Over the course of several conversations I’ve had with people about healing from childhood trauma, I have heard one particular sentiment over and over:
“How do I know if I have healed or not? I don’t know if I would even know what being healed looked like!”
And it’s certainly a fair question. Just exactly how are you supposed to know that, anyway?
If you’ve been working on mending the fractures left behind from childhood trauma, it can be hard to know what a healed self looks like. After all, the healing we are moving towards was never modeled for us. It is unfamiliar territory until we reintegrate these new parts of ourselves into a healthier whole.
Along the path of healing, we are essentially masters of invention, creating our very own version of the electric lightbulb. The only thing is, we’ve never held the finished product in our hands. We haven’t yet felt its light or been able to appreciate how it made everyday life more enjoyable. All we know is that we want the pain, fear, anxiety, self-criticism and the memories to stop running us.
Healing is finding our way out of the darkness and into the light. To heal doesn’t mean to banish the darkness, but to accept it along side the light, as one cannot exist without the other.
It is within our darkness that our greatest power lies.
So how do you know when you’re healing? I pondered this and came up with a list. I could go on and on, but here are the first 12 that came to my mind.
I knew I was healing when…
When I stopped trying to please everyone at the expense of myself and made self-care and self-respect top priority.
When I thought about the abuse I suffered and no longer felt hatred towards the people who abused me. I didn’t excuse their behavior, but I no longer felt anger and rage about what they did to me.
When I stopped looking to others to know what’s best for me and trusted my inner guidance instead. This meant quieting my inner pollster.
When I could ask for help when I needed it.
When I stopped looking for a relationship to complete me and make me happy.
When I no longer needed the people around me to be in a certain mood to make me feel safe or comfortable. I realized I could allow others to be just as they are in that moment, just as I can be the same with them.
When I accepted the fact that I have needs and allowed myself to meet those needs.
When I silenced my inner critic and no longer let it keep me small, fearful and immobilized.
When I was able to be alone and not feel lonely- to enjoy my own company, to get lost in the moment and have fun.
When I stopped hating parts of my body and wishing they were different and began appreciating all that my body does for me everyday.
When I stopped counting calories, inches and grams and began to feel and listen to what my body needed and trusted that above anyone else’s opinion.
When I stopped caring what other people thought of me and instead cared what I thought first and foremost.
There’s one thing I want to mention- everything that’s on the list above is a daily practice, not an endpoint. I like to think of it as a personal compass for myself. Take number 12 as an example. If I have a conversation with someone and afterward notice that I am ruminating about what I said, wishing I had said something differently, or worried that the other person misinterpreted what I meant and is now thinking badly of me, I know that I need to gently guide myself back on track. Knowing how you have healed can be a tremendous guidance system and a helpful tool.
I’d like to invite you to write your own list of how you have healed. You can include significant leaps in growth and small steps that only you might be aware of. Allow your list to be a place where you can reflect, acknowledge and appreciate how far you have come.
Please feel free to share any of your healing milestones in the comment section below if you feel comfortable enough to do so.
xoxo,
Renee